Saturday, December 22, 2012

NRA Says Hansel and Gretel Should Have Had Guns

WASHINGTON, December 22, 2012 - The National Rifle-Manufacturer Association (NRA) held a press conference in Washington, D.C. to offer "meaningful contributions" in the debate about education reform.  This highly anticipated press conference was chaired by Charlton TheRock, president and Grand Wizard of the NRA. TheRock read out a prepared press statement to an audience of over 100 journalists:

"Members of the mainstream media are quick to condemn the NRA, but their hateful rhetoric ignores what the NRA really stands for: caring about the future of American children. We have noticed that American education system is broken. Children are not taught traditional American values any more. Instead, they are becoming godless and unpatriotic creatures who spend most of their time surfing websites such as YouSpace, MyTube and Tweeter. Our generation used to read books, while today's generation facebooks.The main causes of America's education crisis are the hateful anti-gun rhetoric and the removal of guns from children's books. If children were exposed to gun friendly statements by teachers and to guns in children's books, they would be able to take pride in the American tradition of gun-ownership. They would also learn that guns are important problem-solving tools and could incorporate guns into their daily lives."

"Just look at how fairy-tales such as the story of Hansel and Gretel are taught at schools. The parents of Hansel and Gretel cannot afford to feed their children and are forced to abandon them in a forest. Hansel and Gretel accidentally wander into the house of an evil atheist witch who captures them and intends to eat them. During a moment of luck, Gretel manages to push the witch into the oven and escape with her brother Hansel.When liberals read the story, they are quick to blame the parents for abandoning Hansel and Gretel. This was not the mistake that Hansel and Gretel's parents made. The real mistake was that they left them in the forest without giving them any guns. If either Hansel or Gretel had been carrying guns, they could have shot the witch upon first contact, right after they took their first bite of the gingerbread house."

"We reconstructed the Hansel and Gretel story in our Civil War Reenactment Center and identified nine points in the story during which Hansel and Gretel had a clear line of fire and could have killed the witch if either of them had carried a gun.   In today's communist, fascist and gay economy, we could all be faced with a situation in which we have to abandon our children in a forest. We do not want our children to depend on luck. If you have to leave your children in a forest, please give them guns. It is the opinion of the NRA that providing firearms to children would protect them from witches, goblins, communists, gnomes, environmentalists, feminists and other evil entities. Our Founding Fathers would have wanted Hansel and Gretel to carry firearms. To help clarify this point and to educate children, parents and teachers, the NRA will soon  publish an annotated edition of Grimm's fairy-tales in which we will point out all the opportunities to evade evil with the help of guns." 

After listening to the statement, multiple journalists raised their hands to ask questions.  TheRock dismissed those requests and said, "We will not be taking any questions. Too many people in America have asked too many questions. Now is the time for answers and not for questions."

Image Credit: Hänsel und Gretel, Mein erstes Märchenbuch, Verlag Wilh. Effenberger, Stuttgart, end of the 19th century. The painting is in the public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.